Important information about our members
  • Mrs. Goodspeed was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when she managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.
  • Mr. Proctors’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
  • Mr. Yates  counted to infinity - twice.
  • Mr. Johnson sleeps with a night light. Not because Mr. Johnson is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Mr. Johnson
  • If you can see Mr. Looney, he can see you. If you can't see Mr. Looney you may be only seconds away from death.
  • When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Mr. Proctor.
  • Mr. Yates does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
  • Bob Woerner ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
  • Toni Tempesta once broke the land speed record on a bicycle that was missing its chain and the back tire.
  • A unicorn once kicked Aaron Barnett. That is why they no longer exist.
  • If you spell Velmore Estillore in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
  • Tom Thompson doesn’t wear a watch.  HE decides what time it is.
  • The moon is actually a comet that was once on course to hit earth... then Paul Hinkley roundhouse kicked it into orbit.
  • People thought Mr. Johnson was crazy when he started talking to stuffed animals, until they came to life and attacked his enemies.
  • Simply by pulling on both ends, Lyman Roark can stretch diamonds back into coal.
  • Not everyone that James Toney is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.
  • Along with his black belt, Allen Steen often chooses to wear brown shoes.  No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.
  • Judy Barnett is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • Bill Cleary will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.
  • Keith Ince once won the tour de France on a “Big Wheel”.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Steve Servin pajamas.
  • Lee Washburn once roundhouse kicked a herd of horses. Their descendants are known today as giraffes.
  • Before Tony Tempesta was born, the martial arts weapons with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to Barry.
  • Rob Whapham can split the atom. With his bare hands.
  • Jeff Kowalski crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
  • Kathy Rhine is not Politically Correct. She is just Correct. Always.
  • Kelly Cox was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
  • If at first you don't succeed, you're not Ysabel Merhout
  • Paul Hinkley can make microwave popcorn in an easy bake oven.
  • Aaron Barnett once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.
  • James Cameron wanted Duane Ethington to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  • A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Allan Steen and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
  • Once a cobra bit Eric McMurrys’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Steve Servin pajamas.
  • Dinosaurs once owed Drake Pledger money. They never paid him back.
  • Judy Barnett once ran a marathon backwards just to see what second place feels like.
  • Jeff Kowalski crossed the road. No one has ever dared question his motives.
  • As an infant, Dick Stroms’ parents gave him a toy hammer. He gave the world Stonehenge.
  • Kelly Cox got swept over Niagara Falls. He liked it so much he swam back up and did it again.
  • Most boots are made for walkin'. Velmore Estillores’ boots aren't that merciful.
  • Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Caroline Goodspeed.
  • Mark Hollon sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Mark roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
  • A duck’s quack does not echo. Lyman Roark is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
  • The Ghostbusters call Forrest Littlejohn
  • The last thing you hear before Aaron Barnett gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows because dead men tell no tales.
  • Ghosts sit around campfires telling Ken Terrell stories.
  • When Keith Yates does a push-up, he’s actually moving the earth out of the way of a deadly asteroid.